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| It's that time of year again.The universe's time for rebirth.
actually it's time for death, rebirth comes in the spring, but this is the lowest point. The time to pray that something happens to change things for the better.
But for me it's time to look back on a year in the life of Daniel (this is gonna hurt, not you though, unless you're an empath)
Ok, about this time last year I was living with the girl with the brightest soul in the world (of course you can't have a light that bright shining on all of us mortals, so it's enveloped in a shy polite, slightly anti-social shroud that we call "ego")
Anyways, she was living here, and things we're..... ok I guess. well not really.
I knew that she was gonna leave in february and that hung on my neck everyday. Like the feeling of looking at your gas light turning on when you KNOW you're no where near a gas station. But I made the most of it, and did a pretty good job of not taking it so personally that she was leaving even though she didn't necessarily have to since she wasn't in school at the time and didn't have a job.
But I understood.
Who could blame her, I was driving this piece of shit honda that would die all the time, and didn't even have windshield wipers, I was bumming rides off of friends to get to work, and digging myself into a spiral of depression, which I'm SURE she picked up on.
Dallas has that effect on people.
So a month later my aunt decided to step in and offer me some help by co-signing on a car for me, and now she even pays part of the monthly payment.
So INSTANTLY things were a world better, I had a car with A/C heat and an Mp3 CD player, what more could a guy ask for? Besides a beautiful yin to share it with me.
But of course the car came right when my boss put me on the payroll which meant getting paid every 2 weeks, and getting paid less (taxes)
SO I had to get this shitty pizza job to pay for the car, it was a step up from working at domino's when I was in school. But I wasn't exactly making any progress, I felt an overwhelming sensation of uselessness, pointlessness, and just overall futility about life, love, and everything that I ever thought was important seemed trivial.
The only thing keeping me on this planet was a feeling of guilt and debt.
But it's a good thing I had those feelings because by this time I had come around to a system of beliefs that had absolutely no problem with ending a life. After all, we're all just energy, and I've ALWAYS yearned for a union with the source, and the only way that seemed possible of course was suicide.
Then something MAGICAL happened!
I went to Austin for Eeyore's birthday (yeah the donkey from winnie the pooh)
I know that I probably overuse the phrase s
"religious experience" (actually lets use 'spiritual' it doesn't have the connotation of oppressive-indoctrination-money-making-scheme)
So anyways, I might over use the phrase spiritual experience, but then again maybe I have a better view on what a spiritual experience is. My definition just includes more things as spiritual experiences.
I mean if you really wanted to get into it, any moment that you are truly IN the moment and not having your brain hijacked by the ego is a spiritual experience.
But for me, personally a spiritual experience is one where I feel a connection to a power so overwhelmingly divine and beautiful that I have no doubt in any atom in my entire body that an intelligence so complete and universal.exists.
Sorry for the tangent, but I had to clarify.
So anyways, EEYORE'S!!!!!!!!!!!
My good friend john bryan signed me up to help sell T-shirts, which consisted mainly of standing around awkwardly, getting in people's way and handing t-shirts to "Friends of the Forest" (the group dedicated to organizing and celebrating eeyore's birthday)
But it entitled me to a free t-shirt and free BADASS beer all day.
I had a great time at first, but then I ran in to a guy who would probably rather me not mention his name on the internet.
He traded me a few worthless pieces of paper for a couple of gelatin tabs of elation and union with my fellow man.
So for a few hours I skipped across the park from our little blanket camp to the beer booths shuttling free beer back to my friends while meeting people that I felt I had known since I was born, and falling to my knees and bowing before people that had no idea what was going on, and as such felt compelled to let me continue worshiping them. I even decided that I needed to take off my shoes in order to better connect with the earth.
I didn't worry about glass or sharp rocks, because I knew that god would protect me, flawed logic, but I didn't cut myself once, and I even climbed a really steep rocky hill.
The next day of course I paid for it.
As darkness fell over the park and the beer started to run out I felt an ominous presence descend from the clouds and the forest, and we all began to make our way towards the shuttle. The shuttle ride back to my car seemed like the beginning of some Texas horror movie. A bus full of rowdy drunk and tripping teens and twenty somethings driving through a dark forest. That and a Hula Hoop are all I remember until waking up in the passenger seat of my car in a Denny's parking lot.
Apparently that was all it took to get me to look at life in a new way and make me a more positive person (oh, and "The Secret" as cheesy as the video was it confirmed ideas that were floating in my head that seemed like fantasy)
Despite feeling a union to the presence I'm always looking for I still felt really empty, and the meaningless futility got to me again, as well as the 2nd job and before I knew (3 months later) it I was right back where I started.
Then I met someone through papa johns that had 2 ball pythons.
I FELL IN LOVE!!!!!!!!
all I could think about was having my own snake buddy, and in a couple of weeks I had one!
It's funny that the snake was really what got me into gear and made me a more positive person, but it also kind of signified the end of a more idealistic way of thinking that I was really clinging onto.
I'm less hippy and more nihilist now. From one pole, to the other, and now i'm back to a somewhat more healthy (hopefully) point of view
I could write a whole other entry about the symbolism and synchronicities that my snake revealed to me and why I should have named hir Quetzalcoatl instead of Nebuchadnezzar, but that would take a while.
Next is the part i'm still trying to heal from.The part I still don't feel comfortable talking about. the part that as soon as I think i've dealt with it I feel that burning in the core of my torso somewhere between my heart and solar plexus chakras.
I fell in love with a mask, instead of a soul.
Which isn't to say that she wasn't an amazing girl and a wonderful person. The only problem is we fell in love with the image that we projected onto each other.
You know how it goes, the photographer wants to be with a model, a model wants to be with a rock star and the rock star just wants a trophy, and for someone to touch his dick (that's why 100% of male musicians start bands and the reason that 80% of male musicians try to gain recognition MAYBE 20 are in it for the art)
We're all more concerned with an image than the soul, which is such a gaseous concept I won't even try to put it into type right now.
Anyways without going into any more detail than I have to I'll let you fill in the details.
Anyways, this image broke me for lack of a better word, and I went on a childish self destructive bender because I too strongly attached my worth to the approval of a shallow image.
This bender lasted longer than necessary, but each of these little episodes gets shorter each time, so im going in the right direction.
OH and I almost forgot, I got a promotion!
I took that lazy bum Sparks' job, and now i'm doing graphic design, but they also have me doing the job I was doing before, so it's twice the work, and not enough raise if you ask me, but i'm glad to be doing it. and if I stick with it long enough it will really pay off.
Not to mention the freelance photography business me and a friend are starting up this year.
So here I am a year later, moving into a new (and much nicer) apartment WITH GARDEN TUBS!!!
I'm very excited about being able to take a bath without either my knees or shoulders out of the tub.
So when you add it all up I suppose i'm a lot better off this year than last
ok, so....
2005 was Two Thousand Fuck (and indeed it was!)
2006 was Two Thousand Suck (and boy did it suck)
..... I don't remember what we dubbed 2007 maybe someone else remembers what we called it....
ands shane suggested 2008 be Two Thousand Hate.
fuck no dude, it's gonna be Two Thousand GREAT!!!
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| "arrest this man,
he talks in math,
he buzzes like a fridge,
he's like a detuned radio"
I'm not at all ok with my karmic place in the universe, and I don't
know how to even it exactly other than realizing what i've done wrong
and atoning for it in the only way I know how.
I can't move past this physical plane before my sins are righted, or at the very best admitted, and apologized for.
ANYWAYS
what i'm getting at here is I don't know all of the people that i've
hurt in my life, whether it was a big or small thing, I can't know all
of my transgressions.
That's where you come in.
I try my best to do right by all of my friends and family, but I know that i'm bound to unknowingly hurt someone.
SO
if i've hurt you in ANY way, and I mean even the smallest, petty,
bullshit kinda thing, PLEASE let me know what i've done, and at the
very least you'll get a heartfelt apology.
I know apologies aren't worth the paper they're printed on (and I don't
plan on printing any apologies) but they might help me get past my
feelings of unworthiness, and a little closer to god, and the next
human function.
Even if I don't achieve any of that, I don't want any unconfronted
hostile feelings towards me, so i'd like you to get anything you're
holding against me off of your chest.
And yes, I do realize that perhaps i've done something so bad that I
don't deserve to be forgiven, and if that's the case, then I will
dutifully carry the weight of guilt, but at least i'll know that I
tried to make everything right.
For those of you that I KNOW i've done wrong, (and there are a few I
can think of off the top of my head) I'm not going to bring up any past
instances that might cause pain today, so if you feel like talking
about it you know where to reach me, and you know i'm ok with playing
the therapist role.
oh, and if you think this is about you, then it definitely isn't
(well maybe it is)
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| I had a pretty intense experience this weekend that changed my point of view, even if only temporarily. Most of it was beyond explaining, but these lyrics sum up some of what I realized this weekend.
Tool - Jambi
[Here from the / If in the / Infinite] king's mountain view
[Here from / If in] the wild dream come true
Feast like a sultan, I do
On treasures and flesh never few
But I would wish it all, away
If I thought I'd lose you just one day
The devil and his had me down
In love with the dark side I've found
Dabblin' all the way down
Up to my neck soon to drown.
But you changed that all for me
Lifted me up, turned me round
So I, I would wish this all away
Pray like a [martyr / father] dusk to dawn
Beg like a hooker all night long
Shout to the devil with my song
And got what I wanted all along
But I
I would
If I could
I would
Wish it away
Wish it away
Wish it all away
Wanna wish it all away
No price could hold sway
Or justify my
Giving away, my center
So if I could I'd wish it all away
If I thought tomorrow, they'd take you away
You're my piece of mind,
[my home / my Om / my own / my all]
I said I'm just trying to hold on
One more day
Damn my eyes!
Damn my eyes!
If they should compromise a fulcrum:
[Want and need] divide me
Then I might as well be gone...
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine [on 'til / until] the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the severed
Shine [on 'til / until] the two become one
[Divide and wither away
/ Divided, withering away
/ Divide, I wither away]
Shine down upon the many, light our way,
Benevolent sun.
Breathe in union
So, as one, survive
Another day and season
[Silent legions / Silently, just] save your poison
[Silent legions / Silently, just] stay out of my way | | |
| I just found out today that my birthday coincided with 2 semi-historical occasions:
the release of Paris Hilton
and the execution of Patrick Knight
Patrick Knight promised his last words would be a joke, even going as far as to create a myspace site to hold a contest for the best joke, then he copped out and said "Death has set me free; that's the biggest joke. I deserve this."
Today my boss bought me a birthday lunch and I chose Pei Wei, my fortune said : Your ability to find the silly in the serious will take you far.
I ♥ the universe.
*edit* oh yeah, liz claiborne died from cancer too, she's responsible for the company that makes the cologne I wear.
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| This Saturday we're gonna try again to get this thing together, and if it goes well, we'll have another to celebrate the solstice on the 21st.
WHERE: White Rock Lake, Winfrey point (call or msg me if you need better directions)
WHEN: Saturday, I plan on getting there around noon.
Everyone's invited and it's free so don't be shy, bring a friend and a drum and a good time will be had by all.
(don't worry if you don't have a drum (buckets, pots/pans will do), we'll have a few extra drums and people get tired fast so you can switch off.)
DO bring water though, it'll probably be pretty fucking hot.
If you don't have a ride gimme a call, me or one of my friends might be able to arrange something (esp if you have a drum)
HOLY SHIT!!!
Pinchbeck's new book is out!!!!!!!! Mike said it was only in hardcover, but he was WRONG!
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